2TonCat
01-25-2008, 01:29 PM
I made this thread basically to start writing down the "Are you KIDDING ME?" experiences I have working in the customer service industry. When you run into people having "Moments of intelligence", Feel free to share with the rest of us:
Chapter 1) We get a new copier
--
Employee K: So now with this new copier, do we get to scan to our computers?
Ryan: I wasn't aware that you had anything you needed to scan to your computer
Employee K: Well, we have these packets (*Holding the packet*) that we made to give to the drivers that we could scan, and then print out more copies of.
Ryan: Well, Its a copy machine. Couldn't you just make copies?
(Afterthoughts -- They MADE the packet... Just print out another copy.)
--
*Ryan walks downstairs to the new copier to walk other IT guy through stuff*
Employee J: I'm almost done, just hole punching some things
*Ryan watches employee J put already printed documents in scanner tray, and then proceed to tell the finisher to hole punch the documents*
*Hole punched documents come out of the finisher, and employee leaves originals on the scanner return tray.*
*Ryan thinks "We have a hole punch you know...."*
Ryan: Ok.
--
Company X: God this new faxing software is soo slow
Ryan: Maybee you should reconsider faxing in the first place then. We have e-mail now.
Chapter 2: Office Equipment
--
I came in one morning, and it was BURNING hot in the office.... Soon to find out that the AC was "broken"... I dont' believe what I hear, so I first go check the breaker box... Everything is fine... Still not convinced its broken randomly, I look at the thermostat... What does it say? "Lo Batt". I know for a fact that at least 4 people looked at it, and read the same two words I read, but never made the conclusion that the wireless thermostat had LOW FREEKIN BATTERIES! JESUS CHRIST, CHANGE THE BATTERIES!. I changed them, and on the AC comes.
--
**POP**
Ryan: What was that?
Employee T: I don't know, but my computer is off
*Smoke starts to billow out of the computer*
Ryan: Uhh your computer just burnt up
Employee T: Can you fix it?
Ryan: No.
--
Freezer has chair propped against it
Ryan: Why is there a chair propped against the freezer
Employee N: The door wont close
*Ryan investigates to find that the icemaker portion has frozen up completely, and is pushed out past where the door closes*
Ryan to everyone: The freezer is frozen up. Can you guys take all of your food home for a while so we can thaw this thing out? (Ask them 2 weeks in a row, then gave up after none of them did anything)
**3 months later**
VP of company: Hey, cool, someone fixed the door on the freezer
Employee N: Yeah, all we had to do was thaw it out!
VP of company: Oh, that was all it needed?
Employee N: Yeah, I guess so! who would've thunk!
::Headtodesk::
--
Employee T: My computer keeps turning off every time I turn on my space heater
**Ryan grabs space heater and walks off**
--
I'm sitting at the VP's desk fidgiting with things sitting around me... Specifically a calculator that's shaped like a flattened simicircle... Like if you turn a "(" on its side s othat it curves upwards... I was playing with the display that flips up and down on it to show you what you're adding, and the VP comes over and says "Thank you Ryan". I was like "You're welcome?". he told me "I've been using that calculator for two years, and I had no idea the display moved like that!
Chapter 3 - Management Decisions
--
A company offered to pay us rent to store railroad cars on our warehouse lot across the street from them. To get the railcars across, portions the street had to be tore out to expose the previously retired train tracks. Well, the deal went sour in less than a month, and we didn't make much money at all.... Now some genious here didn't consider the fallout of their decisions, and the craters on the road are larger than ever from the damage managment chose to do. Our personal vehicles and company equipment has to take the abuse of crossing exposed railroad tracks all day long. And guess who is complaining out the road now? Management.
--
I told HR to check the vents in this building for Mold... Specifically black mold... HR does absolutely nothing... Who gets sick the next winter when the heat comes on? HR. Suck on that. I close their vents, and guess what, they get better.... I opened it back up again just to verify my findings, and left it that way.
--
Management does not want to buy new computers. We're running windows 2000 pro on all of our machines, and the most ram any of them have seen is 1gb. Some still are capped at 256mb (seriously). Everybody complains that everything takes too damn long.... Well, what do you expect?
--
THEY KEEP HIRING PEOPLE BACK! They fire people for one reason or another, and then kiss their ~~~ when they come back and apply for another job again! What the ~~~~!! We had a guy that we fired for yelling at a customer come back to work here last week, and what do ya know?? He DID IT A GAIN! We fired a guy for being dishonest, and guess what? We hire him back again! Not only once, but TWO MORE TIMES! We have a video of him stealing a company T-shirt that we would have given to him if he asked.... They didn't even fire him for that!
Chapter 4! Not listening to IT
--
I suggested that we program a document imaging system to management in Nov. 06. Management bought a half baked system that IT had not even been consulted with about. Turns out it was as ~~~~~~ as I would have told them it was, and didn't work for the company. Gueass what?? They are now running HAPPILY on the imaging system I designed and our other IT guy programmed.
--
The other IT guy and I both have suggested IP Phones many times, with no attention from management at all. Out of the blue, they buy a system that we had not even looked at, and the phone cost $1000 ~~~~ING DOLLARS EACH. ~~~!
--
Nobody had passwords. We were not allowed to put passwords on company equipment for the first two years I worked here. I was finally able to proove that we had drivers getting onto our dispatch computers at night, and we now have passwords... That could have been bad.
GLOSSARY: Terms Defined
Managers – Large uninformed individuals who spout cliché phrases in order to motivate employees into doing things they think the company needs.
Management – A unified body of Managers who can’t seem to make up their mind.
Motivation – A nice way of saying “Go work on things or we will fire you”.
Accounting – No you can’t have a budget.
Recruiting – Department that insists on hiring back every employee who were fired in the past regardless of why they were terminated.
Billing – A department that asks trading partners if we can bill them for work we have done.
Payroll – This group of people creates confusing policies to pay employees that no one else understands.
Salespeople – Convinces both external and internal management that they can offer unrealistic things.
Maintenance – This group fixes ~~~~, and realizes that everyone else is clueless.
I.T. – Underpaid employees that focus on building architecture to hold company “~~~~” together.
Human Resources – Friendly employees who know how to politely present other people’s ideas.
Data Entry – Division with absolutely no logic other than “We hit the red button, then the blue button, and it beeps.”
Fax machine – “It’s making noise again. What is it doing?”
Copy machine – Nobody knows what all it can do, though, they know it is powerful.
E-mail – Venue of transporting viruses, cat pictures, and pictures of ‘hot guys’. (Seriously - There are only guys; never any women.)
Desktop – Medium for displaying things deemed cute by expressionally challenged employees.
Mailing list – An easier way to distribute useless information that no one reads.
Bathroom – A place for employees to express their anger by neglecting cleanliness standards and maturity.
Chapter 1) We get a new copier
--
Employee K: So now with this new copier, do we get to scan to our computers?
Ryan: I wasn't aware that you had anything you needed to scan to your computer
Employee K: Well, we have these packets (*Holding the packet*) that we made to give to the drivers that we could scan, and then print out more copies of.
Ryan: Well, Its a copy machine. Couldn't you just make copies?
(Afterthoughts -- They MADE the packet... Just print out another copy.)
--
*Ryan walks downstairs to the new copier to walk other IT guy through stuff*
Employee J: I'm almost done, just hole punching some things
*Ryan watches employee J put already printed documents in scanner tray, and then proceed to tell the finisher to hole punch the documents*
*Hole punched documents come out of the finisher, and employee leaves originals on the scanner return tray.*
*Ryan thinks "We have a hole punch you know...."*
Ryan: Ok.
--
Company X: God this new faxing software is soo slow
Ryan: Maybee you should reconsider faxing in the first place then. We have e-mail now.
Chapter 2: Office Equipment
--
I came in one morning, and it was BURNING hot in the office.... Soon to find out that the AC was "broken"... I dont' believe what I hear, so I first go check the breaker box... Everything is fine... Still not convinced its broken randomly, I look at the thermostat... What does it say? "Lo Batt". I know for a fact that at least 4 people looked at it, and read the same two words I read, but never made the conclusion that the wireless thermostat had LOW FREEKIN BATTERIES! JESUS CHRIST, CHANGE THE BATTERIES!. I changed them, and on the AC comes.
--
**POP**
Ryan: What was that?
Employee T: I don't know, but my computer is off
*Smoke starts to billow out of the computer*
Ryan: Uhh your computer just burnt up
Employee T: Can you fix it?
Ryan: No.
--
Freezer has chair propped against it
Ryan: Why is there a chair propped against the freezer
Employee N: The door wont close
*Ryan investigates to find that the icemaker portion has frozen up completely, and is pushed out past where the door closes*
Ryan to everyone: The freezer is frozen up. Can you guys take all of your food home for a while so we can thaw this thing out? (Ask them 2 weeks in a row, then gave up after none of them did anything)
**3 months later**
VP of company: Hey, cool, someone fixed the door on the freezer
Employee N: Yeah, all we had to do was thaw it out!
VP of company: Oh, that was all it needed?
Employee N: Yeah, I guess so! who would've thunk!
::Headtodesk::
--
Employee T: My computer keeps turning off every time I turn on my space heater
**Ryan grabs space heater and walks off**
--
I'm sitting at the VP's desk fidgiting with things sitting around me... Specifically a calculator that's shaped like a flattened simicircle... Like if you turn a "(" on its side s othat it curves upwards... I was playing with the display that flips up and down on it to show you what you're adding, and the VP comes over and says "Thank you Ryan". I was like "You're welcome?". he told me "I've been using that calculator for two years, and I had no idea the display moved like that!
Chapter 3 - Management Decisions
--
A company offered to pay us rent to store railroad cars on our warehouse lot across the street from them. To get the railcars across, portions the street had to be tore out to expose the previously retired train tracks. Well, the deal went sour in less than a month, and we didn't make much money at all.... Now some genious here didn't consider the fallout of their decisions, and the craters on the road are larger than ever from the damage managment chose to do. Our personal vehicles and company equipment has to take the abuse of crossing exposed railroad tracks all day long. And guess who is complaining out the road now? Management.
--
I told HR to check the vents in this building for Mold... Specifically black mold... HR does absolutely nothing... Who gets sick the next winter when the heat comes on? HR. Suck on that. I close their vents, and guess what, they get better.... I opened it back up again just to verify my findings, and left it that way.
--
Management does not want to buy new computers. We're running windows 2000 pro on all of our machines, and the most ram any of them have seen is 1gb. Some still are capped at 256mb (seriously). Everybody complains that everything takes too damn long.... Well, what do you expect?
--
THEY KEEP HIRING PEOPLE BACK! They fire people for one reason or another, and then kiss their ~~~ when they come back and apply for another job again! What the ~~~~!! We had a guy that we fired for yelling at a customer come back to work here last week, and what do ya know?? He DID IT A GAIN! We fired a guy for being dishonest, and guess what? We hire him back again! Not only once, but TWO MORE TIMES! We have a video of him stealing a company T-shirt that we would have given to him if he asked.... They didn't even fire him for that!
Chapter 4! Not listening to IT
--
I suggested that we program a document imaging system to management in Nov. 06. Management bought a half baked system that IT had not even been consulted with about. Turns out it was as ~~~~~~ as I would have told them it was, and didn't work for the company. Gueass what?? They are now running HAPPILY on the imaging system I designed and our other IT guy programmed.
--
The other IT guy and I both have suggested IP Phones many times, with no attention from management at all. Out of the blue, they buy a system that we had not even looked at, and the phone cost $1000 ~~~~ING DOLLARS EACH. ~~~!
--
Nobody had passwords. We were not allowed to put passwords on company equipment for the first two years I worked here. I was finally able to proove that we had drivers getting onto our dispatch computers at night, and we now have passwords... That could have been bad.
GLOSSARY: Terms Defined
Managers – Large uninformed individuals who spout cliché phrases in order to motivate employees into doing things they think the company needs.
Management – A unified body of Managers who can’t seem to make up their mind.
Motivation – A nice way of saying “Go work on things or we will fire you”.
Accounting – No you can’t have a budget.
Recruiting – Department that insists on hiring back every employee who were fired in the past regardless of why they were terminated.
Billing – A department that asks trading partners if we can bill them for work we have done.
Payroll – This group of people creates confusing policies to pay employees that no one else understands.
Salespeople – Convinces both external and internal management that they can offer unrealistic things.
Maintenance – This group fixes ~~~~, and realizes that everyone else is clueless.
I.T. – Underpaid employees that focus on building architecture to hold company “~~~~” together.
Human Resources – Friendly employees who know how to politely present other people’s ideas.
Data Entry – Division with absolutely no logic other than “We hit the red button, then the blue button, and it beeps.”
Fax machine – “It’s making noise again. What is it doing?”
Copy machine – Nobody knows what all it can do, though, they know it is powerful.
E-mail – Venue of transporting viruses, cat pictures, and pictures of ‘hot guys’. (Seriously - There are only guys; never any women.)
Desktop – Medium for displaying things deemed cute by expressionally challenged employees.
Mailing list – An easier way to distribute useless information that no one reads.
Bathroom – A place for employees to express their anger by neglecting cleanliness standards and maturity.