stephens89sc
Registered User
How to change your oil
> > > > >
> > > > >instructions for women first,.......and then the pro's...
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >Oil Change instructions for Women:
> > > > >
> > > > >1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
> > > > >since the last oil change.
> > > > >2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> > > > >3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> > > > >maintained vehicle.
> > > > >Money spent:
> > > > >Oil Change $20.00
> > > > >Coffee $1.00
> > > > >Total $21.00
> > > > >
> > > > >Oil Change instructions for Men:
> > > > >
> > > > >1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
> > > > >of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
> > write
> > a
> > > > >check for $50.00.
> > > > >2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
> > > > >$20.00, drive home.
> > > > >3) Open a beer and drink it.
> > > > >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> > > > >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> > > > >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> > > > >7) Place drain pan under engine.
> > > > >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> > > > >9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> > > > >10) Unscrew drain plug.
> > > > >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> > > > >process. Cuss.
> > > > >12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
> > > > >arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> > > > >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> > > > >14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> > > > >15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > > > >filter and twist off.
> > > > >16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
> > > > >oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
> > in
> > > > >trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> > > > >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
> > > > >finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door
> > opener.
> > > > >18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> > > > >Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
> > in
> > > > >hole in back yard instead of taking it back to store to recycle.
> > > > >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> > > > >20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> > > > >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> > > > >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of
> > > > >oil to gasket surface.
> > > > >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> > > > >24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> > > > >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> > > > >26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
> > > > >yard, along with drain plug.
> > > > >27) Drink beer.
> > > > >28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
> > > > >oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover
> > > > >oily
> > > > >patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
> > in
> > > > >lawnmower gas.
> > > > >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> > > > >Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> > > > >30) Drink beer.
> > > > >31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
> > > > >with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
> > wrench
> > > > >tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> > > > >32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> > > > >33) Begin cussing fit.
> > > > >34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> > > > >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
> > > > >December (1992) in the left boob.
> > > > >36) Beer.
> > > > >37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
> > > > >blood flow.
> > > > >38) Beer.
> > > > >39) Beer.
> > > > >40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> > > > >41) Beer.
> > > > >42) Lower car from jack stands.
> > > > >43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> > > > >44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > > > >during steps 23 - 43.
> > > > >45) Beer.
> > > > >46) Test drive car.
> > > > >47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> > > > >48) Car gets impounded.
> > > > >49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> > > > >50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> > > > >Money spent:
> > > > >Parts $50.00
> > > > >DUI $2500.00
> > > > >Impound fee $75.00
> > > > >Bail $1500.00
> > > > >Beer $40.00
> > > > >Total-- $4165.00
> > > > >-- But you know the job was done right.
> >
> >
> >
> > > > >
> > > > >instructions for women first,.......and then the pro's...
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >Oil Change instructions for Women:
> > > > >
> > > > >1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
> > > > >since the last oil change.
> > > > >2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> > > > >3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> > > > >maintained vehicle.
> > > > >Money spent:
> > > > >Oil Change $20.00
> > > > >Coffee $1.00
> > > > >Total $21.00
> > > > >
> > > > >Oil Change instructions for Men:
> > > > >
> > > > >1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
> > > > >of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
> > write
> > a
> > > > >check for $50.00.
> > > > >2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
> > > > >$20.00, drive home.
> > > > >3) Open a beer and drink it.
> > > > >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> > > > >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> > > > >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> > > > >7) Place drain pan under engine.
> > > > >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> > > > >9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> > > > >10) Unscrew drain plug.
> > > > >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> > > > >process. Cuss.
> > > > >12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
> > > > >arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> > > > >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> > > > >14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> > > > >15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > > > >filter and twist off.
> > > > >16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
> > > > >oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
> > in
> > > > >trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> > > > >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
> > > > >finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door
> > opener.
> > > > >18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> > > > >Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
> > in
> > > > >hole in back yard instead of taking it back to store to recycle.
> > > > >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> > > > >20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> > > > >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> > > > >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of
> > > > >oil to gasket surface.
> > > > >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> > > > >24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> > > > >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> > > > >26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
> > > > >yard, along with drain plug.
> > > > >27) Drink beer.
> > > > >28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
> > > > >oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover
> > > > >oily
> > > > >patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
> > in
> > > > >lawnmower gas.
> > > > >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> > > > >Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> > > > >30) Drink beer.
> > > > >31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
> > > > >with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
> > wrench
> > > > >tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> > > > >32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> > > > >33) Begin cussing fit.
> > > > >34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> > > > >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
> > > > >December (1992) in the left boob.
> > > > >36) Beer.
> > > > >37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
> > > > >blood flow.
> > > > >38) Beer.
> > > > >39) Beer.
> > > > >40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> > > > >41) Beer.
> > > > >42) Lower car from jack stands.
> > > > >43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> > > > >44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > > > >during steps 23 - 43.
> > > > >45) Beer.
> > > > >46) Test drive car.
> > > > >47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> > > > >48) Car gets impounded.
> > > > >49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> > > > >50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> > > > >Money spent:
> > > > >Parts $50.00
> > > > >DUI $2500.00
> > > > >Impound fee $75.00
> > > > >Bail $1500.00
> > > > >Beer $40.00
> > > > >Total-- $4165.00
> > > > >-- But you know the job was done right.
> >
> >
> >