Blowing the dust off this one last time. I had a disconnected vac line.
To summarize, first time I rebuilt it I cracked the fuel line going into the fuel rails. Either coincidentally or as a result, the fuel pressure regulator went out. At some point trying to diagnose that the passenger side PCV line fell off the plenum elbow it belonged to, and since it's not easy to see (plus I'm used to inline 4s where the PCV typically goes before the throttle plate, not after) it wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind until I saw the EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS on a Junkyard Digs video last month.
The car now runs, but it's still being fussy. Exhaust leak from where I chopped the cats out, it still has a tiiiiny wheeze from somewhere so I want to smoke test it (if I can find literally any place that's willing to loan one), and my clutch pedal is gone because I unhooked the master cylinder wiring harness to get access to the driver's side spark plugs aaaaaand now I lost clutch pressure entirely and have no idea how to fix that. Yippee. x-x
In short, this car for the past 2 years of me owning it has been a domino row of part failure after part failure, and most frustratingly across unrelated systems. Now... I have to figure out why I have no clutch pressure and also Google how to tune the car to run catless because that's apparently a thing that can cause issues. Ending this thread for real, now.